Attention, People of Earth:
Fine. The big secret is out. A bunch of your finest science nerds have cracked the case and discovered there is life tens of millions of miles away-here, on the beautiful planet of Venus. Yeah, no duh. Congratulations on the big reveal. We have a polite request: Stay away.
We're serious. No missions to Venus, no exploratory spacecraft, no sleepovers. If we wake up one morning and look out and see Bezos, Musk and Branson wandering around in tailored spacesuits, we're going to be really ticked off.
We mean no unfriendliness. It's just that we're not terribly impressed by what you've got going on down there.
Earth looks like a mess. You've got health crises, environmental crises, political crises. You keep fighting about face masks. You haven't figured out how to deliver French fries without having them get soft and disgusting. No wonder so many of you want to abandon Earth for another planet.
We know you'd like it here. That's what scares us. You'd all move to Venus in an instant.
But we live in a fragile solar system. We can only handle so much. If we start having you all up here, pretty soon, the Martians and Jupiterians are going to want to come, too.
In the meantime, cool your enthusiasm. Tell Elon, Jeff and Sir Richard to settle down and stick to cars, books and planes. We're not your escape plan. Venus is not Earth 2.
We wish you the best in figuring it out. We have every faith you can save your planet. If not, try Pluto. They're pretty lonely and bored out there.
Sincerely,
Venus
