One morning, my four-year-old daughter and I were getting ready to leave the house when she suddenly yelled "Idiot!" right at me. As I processed the word, I noticed she was upset. Tears streamed down her face as she half whispered and half yelled "you are an IDIOT Mama." Total silence followed as we looked at each other. We were staring at each other for so long, and I nearly forgot to breathe out, and in again. Idiot. How could my daughter call me an idiot?
There are many behaviors that really push parents' buttons. Disrespectful, rude words tend to top the list. The wrong response to such rude remarks is often a serious warning. But I didn't offer any serious remarks.
I realized that my daughter's intention wasn't to disrespect me. She was expressing the disconnection. And punishment doesn't solve disconnection. It creates more of it. Her choice of word said it all. She was annoyed. She sensed the stress. I needed to hear her. I was being careless. I was the one being rude to her.
So, why punish our children when they need guidance? We must know the words we use matter, and become our children's words too. The words include those we use to handle emotional overload. Idiot is a word I regretfully must admit to using when I'm extremely annoyed. Not at my children, but yes, they have heard me say it. So, instead of punishing my daughter for misbehavior, I chose to focus on her real message: Idiot means that "Mom, you are stressing me out!".
No blame. No punishment for honest feelings. No criticizing her choice of words. Just focus on our relationship. I admitted my ignoring her, and we hugged and kissed each other. I walked into her play school with interest and was ready to see all her current projects.
Don't be afraid to focus on your relationship, to show kindness, and to model forgiveness. Don't be afraid to look beyond misbehavior, find the true message and trust the power of connection.
