The alarm rang in my ear. After silencing it, I remained in bed. My motivation to push ahead with my Ph. D. was disappearing, which made it hard to face each new day. Continuing would risk a total breakdown. With anxiety, I decided to cease my Ph. D. temporarily and take a 9-month position at a health care charity. Back when I looked for Ph. D. positions, I was unclear what I wanted to study. For me, the degree mostly served as a means to an end, securing more interesting and higher-paid positions in the private sector than my master's degree would unlock. So 1 wasn't picky and reasoned a variety of projects would provide the training and degree I wanted.
In hindsight(事后想来), I should have been more selective. I ended up working on a project I was technically capable of completing but over time felt full of disappointment. The purely academic research was intellectually interesting, yet I struggled to see how it would make an impact on the wider real world.
Some unexpected things amplified my trouble. I started my program in 2020,when meetings were virtual and in-person contact was actively discouraged, so I had few opportunities to form personal connections with co workers. Research became my only focus, and when my interest in that faded, my project felt depressing.
After only 1 month at the charity, it became clear that I'd made the right decision. My mental health improved and I found it easier to come into work. Things 1 did could matter and energize me after all - if I chose wisely. That was exactly what I needed and desired. After that realization, I decided I wanted to return to my Ph. D. program and make changes. I told my teacher I wasn't interested in the current research. To my relief, he was supportive, and we redesigned the project to better fit me. I will return to my program next month, optimistic that this time will be different. But if it doesn't go as I hope, my charity experience has given me direction and confidence that I'll live a satisfying life, with or without a Ph. D.