Talking to solve friendship problems
Sometimes our friends' behaviour can offend us; sometimes we can see changes they need to make — but how do we tell them?
It's important to have solid evidence that there is indeed a problem. Evidence that can be agreed upon makes it easier for other people to recognise issues. Psychologist Andrea Bonior suggests framing problems with "I". Saying "I feel hurt that you spend less time with me" is less accusatory (责难的) than "You never spend time with me!" and is focused more clearly on the impact.
Staying calm is vital. Bonior recommends that you should acknowledge the conversation could make you anxious. If you think about this yourself, it can help you focus on positive results. If you admit your anxiety to your friend, you will show a more human side. Another psychologist, Laura Brennan, points out how it's important that we let go of our ego and don't focus on the need to be proved right. This can help reduce tension.
We can lower the potential for conflict by listening to the other person and asking questions. Many experts recommend planning your words before having a conversation, so that you can say things in a way that avoids conflict. However, Bonior cautions against overplanning as this can stop you being flexible enough to genuinely follow and participate in the discussion.
Be realistic. Complicated problems are unlikely to be solved with one conversation. Consider what is possible in one discussion, and that it may be harder than you initially thought.
A. Plan ahead properly to make a better conversation.
B. Are there any ways to make difficult conversations easier?
C. Learn to listen to carefully instead of merely blaming others.
D. This will help you to set realistic goals for what you can achieve.
E. Becoming tense might lead you to react badly and cause an argument.
F. Once you have proof, it's important to highlight how it impacts us and others.
G. Talking about the problems realistically is the best approach to resolving the conflict.
