My mom was admitted to the ICU. I got the news 10 minutes before I was scheduled to be interviewed for a higher position. It was unprofessionally last minute to cancel. But I knew I couldn't give it my full attention. So, I emailed to explain. The program office r replied immediately, urging me to focus on my family."The overall goal over the coming weeks is to just be a good daughter,"she said."We can wait."
Since my mother's cancer diagnosis(诊断), she has overcome many obstacles, for which we are incredibly grateful. But as the years passed and I mixed my caregiving role with my professional responsibilities, I found myself increasingly falling short at work. I was missing events because I was with her for treatments. I didn't apply to training because I couldn't focus. I was making silly mistakes, forgetting things and asking for extensions. I feared I was letting down my colleagues.
But in time, I came to feel I was in the right place. As it happens, my research is in a field seeking to assess and improve health care. With my mother's illness, I suddenly went from studying it in a removed way to being completely, heartbreakingly in the middle of it. Besides the helplessness, stress, and sadness, I found I just couldn't turn off my research brain, studying her care and texting colleagues with ideas, which reassured me that even though I was currently only giving my career about 50% of attention, I was more engaged than ever with my scientific questions.
I also learned that some good could come from allowing the boundaries between my work and life to blur(模糊). I received empathy, understanding and kindness from my program officer and colleagues. I learned how being weak brought out the best in people. I no longer try to predict what will happen next. Instead, I try to focus on my newfound appreciation for the things like friendship, connection, and sometimes unexpected support. And although I sometimes miss the clean boundaries I used to have, I've learned to embrace the blurriness.
