"Why don't you ever listen?" "You just don't understand me!" "You' re of no help at all!" Sound familiar? When you're having a difficult conversation with your parents or friends, accusatory words like those can stop a discussion. As soon as one feels attacked, the defensive(防御的)walls come up, and real communication becomes all but impossible. We focus on the other person's behavior first, without spending time thinking about and telling why we're feeling hurt. Here lie the differences between "I" and "you" statements.
An "I- statement" is a sentence beginning with the word "I" that tells another person how you are feeling in a clear way. For example, you might say, "I feel. . . " or "I become nervous when…" I- statements are a powerful tool to help you express your feelings to someone else without blaming(责怪)others. "You- statements, " such as those listed above, are statements that begin with the word "you", pointing out what other people have done wrong. These statements often mean that the listener is responsible for something.
Why are I- statements important? When you start a conversation by talking about the other person's actions, you're sending the message that they're the problem. For most people, this immediately leads to them becoming defensive and trying to throw blame back onto you. However, starting a sentence with 'I' helps us talk about difficult feelings and how the problem is affecting us, and stops other people feeling blamed. This can be seen in the case when you feel left out. Instead of saying "You always leave me out", you can say "I feel hurt when I'm not invited because it feels like I'm not welcome". With this I- statement, you're being honest about your feelings, but you're not presenting them as something the other person did to you. As a result, the listener will experience this as more friendly, opening the possibility of further conversation and hope for a solution.
It's a simple change, but by being a little more careful of how you express yourself, you may find people are more likely to positively listen to you and understand more about what you are trying to say.